I can take it

Give me the hate

I can take it

Give it to me

I promise

I’ll be okay

I may cry

But I cry all the time

I may struggle

But I can overcome

If you must hate

Give it to me

Not someone else

Please

I can take it

I may cry

But crying feels good

So give me the hate

I can take it

-Ariel LaVenture

What happens when we choose to move forward?

It’s been a little over a week since the immediate shutdown of the Indy. With each day I feel a little less lost and a little more optimistic. But I’m still angry. And I feel broken, and also really annoyed. And tired – I’m so tired.
 
My heart is broken, but my spirit is on fire. This post from the Missoula Independent Union is really helpful for those of you who are looking for some more information. You can also follow the Missoula News Guild and Friends of the Indy Staff FB pages.
 
Saying thanks doesn’t even begin to cover the gratitude I feel toward friends, family, writers, reporters, small business owners and community members. I feel lost right now, but I won’t feel that way forever, and I’m eternally hopeful.
 
Cheers, and #KeepMissoulaIndy (always).
-Ariel LaVenture

 

Chicken Dinner

You’re a winner

Congratulations

You did it

and we’re so proud

Congratulations

You piece of shit

You messed up

big time

Am I

being rude

Calling you out on

all your mistakes

as you parade around

pretending

acting like

you’re the king

the queen

the most powerful of them all

Certainly not the fairest

or the most respected

Not even

respected

Detested

How can I detest thee

more than I protest thee

Because she

I

doth protest

Not just your ability

but your existence

Congratulations

You’re a fucking winner

 

-Ariel LaVenture

zombie days (not always)

IMG_6345.JPG

More food pics ^^ …pretty pretty vegan doughnut.
See waffle pic in previous post “It’s really not that serious, so here’s my fall bucket list…” .

It’s easy to feel like a zombie sometimes. We’re creatures of habit and generally, work life creates this constant cycle of daily tasks and responsibilities we must adhere to. That’s why I try to find some little nuggets of fun throughout my relatively repetitive days. Here’s a peek into my average work day. What does your day look like, reader?


6am Wake up due to natural light peeking through my window.
6:01am Go back to bed.
6:30am Wake up again – for real this time.
Get ready, drive to work, don’t flip off the crazy highway drivers. Work, work, work.
—–
9:15am Reminder goes off to let me know that I need to make a protein smoothie and down a B-Complex supplement. I actually do what my alarm says today.
10am Important phone meeting. Lead it like a #boss.
11am Starting to get hungry, but must resist the temptation of baked goods brought in by nice coworker.
11:01am Resisted. Maybe I will work out tonight.
11:30am Wish I had a standing desk, but I don’t, so I stand up and work on the gigantic notepad in the corner of my office space.
12pm Craft something tasty and vegetarian with ingredients I’ve brought to work. Today’s menu includes: spinach, tomatoes, vegetarian taco filling, avocado (YASSSS), hot sauce and crushed red pepper packets from that one office pizza party we had a million years ago.
Eat lunch, make calls, send emails, etc.
—–
2pm NEED. TREAT. NOW. Go to organic grocery store that’s also a client. Say hi. Purchase vegan doughnut. Eat vegan doughnut. Great decision.
4pm What do I have to do after work? Oh yeah, more work, but on union stuff. Solidarity with my crew. Should I bring in treats for my coworkers tomorrow? Now I’m that nice coworker, slowly killing everyone with carb-overload.
5pm Change into workout clothes in work bathroom. Tying up my shoelaces means it’s really happening.
5:30pm I’m the only person not doing laps in my gym’s pool. Don’t worry, I’m not in the lap lanes, I’m in the open swim zone. I amuse myself by pretending I’m a buoy. This is adulthood.
7pm Home
7:30pm Make semi-nice diner since it’s just me tonight. On the menu: veggie burger, chips (weakness), big salad, more chips…
8pm After wolfing down dinner, turn on Netflix show for background noise while I work on union stuff. Thank GOD Law & Order:SVU is on Netflix. Olivia Benson is a badass #bossbabe.
10pm Wash face. ALWAYS. Tonight, I’m also treating myself to a YesTo Tomatoes face mask because we should all be going cruelty-free.
11pm(ish) Fall asleep with phone in hand (bad habit). Dream sweet dreams. Dream about the eventual apocalypse. Dream about vegan doughnuts.


Happy Thursday, y’all. Remember to tip your servers, support your local unions and #KeepMissoulaIndy.

Cheers,
Ariel

It’s really not that serious, so here’s my fall bucket list…

Waffle_LaVenture

This is my waffle^^
…doesn’t it look Leslie Knope-worthy?


Cross-legged in my office chair, at a desk scattered with bits of inspiration for an upcoming event, I make myself comfortable wearing a pocketed Adidas sweater, sweatpants that were definitely meant for the gym and hair that has been strategically placed into a “messy” bun. I’m barefoot, and loving it, but my Birkenstocks are next my work bag. I drink a homemade spinach-rich green juice and munch on tofu scramble with tempeh “bacon” (dat vegetarian life), all while sucking down a naturally caffeinated, probiotic beverage.

This is the morning I have dreamed of. I’m that girl; the girl that’s been in my head, desperately trying to escape, screaming at me to just do stuff I want to do/wear what I want to wear/be who I want to be, all because it’s FUN. Just because it’s fun, and some of it is healthy, but mostly fucking FUN.

I don’t always let myself enjoy things. Like, really enjoy things, especially sporadically. I make plans to lounge, plans to enjoy treats and plans to travel (that kind of planning makes the most sense to me). I’m working on doing the stuff that brings joy into my everyday life, without making every single thing a special, planned out occasion. So, this post is going to include my fall bucket list because, even though most of my posts and poems are relatively serious and relate to every day struggles with anxiety and depression, I revel in the fun, silly parts of life, and I’m a lover of list-making.* Plus, fall is my favorite time of year – once October 1 hits, I’m the happiest human, stopping at craft stores in search of the perfect fall decor. BUT, I am going to do some of these things without planning them weeks in advance. Maybe I’ll just take a night and drive to the corn maze (no mass text, no prep) or maybe I’ll see a scary movie after work.

Fall Bucket List
-Haunted Corn Maze
-Haunted House
-All the haunted things
-Sign up for a class at the Lifelong Learning Center (I really need to work on my Spanish)
-Watch the following movies (my fall must-sees): Shaun of the Dead (the whole Cornetto Trilogy, really), Coraline, Cabin in the Woods, Psycho and Lord of the Rings
-Apple picking
-Pottery painting
-Work on the official event website for tiny diamond (wear the grandma-sweaters, drink the tea, sit by the cat, and work!)
-Take at least one day trip to a nearby town and do everything for the ‘gram #basic
-Paint a pumpkin (no carving for this lady…I hate pumpkin guts, plus it makes my hands super cold)
-Eat all the pumpkin spice-flavored things!

I may add a few more things as I go, and that’s cool. That’s sporadic, right? …right?

Happy end-of-summer to you, reader, and thanks for accepting me for me. Especially when I end posts abruptly. I like to think it’s part of my charm.

Cheers,
Ariel

 

*Uh, if you love list-making like I do, then you probably LOVE a good planner. My favorite one is from Passion PlannerCheck ’em out and cry a little (from happiness, of course). 

 

mine/theirs

this i have

but did not earn

what is mine

but taken

at any given moment

my gift

my present

my end

for what is this thing

that fills me

with doubt

and hope

and disgust

and joy

and fear

always fear

always worry

i did not earn

i do not deserve

i fear

i worry

yet i live

-Ariel LaVenture

Persistent little fucker

Today, at nearly 30 years old, I learned that you can ask for exactly what you want and still be a good person.

I have always felt comfortable voicing my opinion, and calling out others when they’re being hateful or aggressive toward others; I have NO PROBLEM using my voice for the greater good*. And, as a constant work in progress, I will call myself out for being mean or rude to someone (I did not raise me to be like that).

But I’m also a people-pleaser. I want people to like me because, duh, it’s nice to be liked. So I sometimes find that I get taken advantage of – I will go above and beyond to make someone’s time on this Earth a little more special, but I’m learning how to do that without sacrificing my own happiness (and sanity)…it’s been a pretty steep learning curve.

I don’t think people always know they’re taking advantage of you. We get used to the way others treat us and if we’re treated well, we expect that moving forward. And I think it’s totally normal to expect to be treated well; to be treated with kindness, compassion and understanding. It’s just as normal to burn out if you’re someone who is fond of giving, and wanting to make others happy. And while speaking up can be empowering, I sometimes I feel like a high maintenance princess, even if I’m just asking for something to be corrected. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman who’s been trained to feel this way by society, maybe it’s because I lived through a relatively frustrating and difficult childhood where I felt the need to make everything okay, or maybe it’s simply the fact that I’m NICE and a good person*. Whatever it is, I need to work on standing up for myself, even if it’s just asking for my smoothie to be remade because it wasn’t what I ordered.

Stand up for yourself, and continue to be kind. You can do both.

Cheers,
Ariel

*Cue Hot Fuzz…”The Greater Good!”
*Probably all of the above.